


I Don’t Know How To Love You

by curlspen



Category: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, DC Extended Universe, Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Evil Genius Lex, Hurts So Good, Internal Monologue, M/M, Obsessive Lex, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, i got emotional writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-16 02:51:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20171101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curlspen/pseuds/curlspen
Summary: A peek inside the twisted mind of Lex Luthor Jr. during the climax of BvS





	I Don’t Know How To Love You

You are a mocking red stain on the sky. A cruel reminder than I am lesser, I’m a menace, I’m the villain. 

_I was never worth saving._

You look at me like you’re better than me because you’ve never known what it means to be powerless, to be hurt. You don’t know what it is to need to be saved and to have no one care. They think you care, they need to know you don’t.

_You cannot be good with all that power_.

You didn’t care about me. You swooped down from the sky only to save a world that’s hates me. I am nothing to you, I’m a problem to be solved and forgotten so you can soak up the glory like you soak up the very sun from the sky. Like this world belongs to you.

_I won’t let you forget me._

You walk towards me all proud shoulders and direct gaze, filled with confidence that has never been beaten out of you. I am but a weak and foolish mortal, trembling and vulnerable under your mighty glare. A bandage around my hand like a confession.

_I’d rather die than be weak again._

I’m a boy who still believes in Santa and can’t sleep without a stuffed animal, I’m on the ground with the wind knocked out of me. I already can’t move but the blows keep coming. I cry so hard my chest hurts, I say I’m sorry so many times that it doesn’t sound like words anymore, I pray to all the Gods I can name from all the books I’ve read. 

_It didn’t stop._

No one saves me. God’s mercy is selective, it’s paradoxical, it’s a fraud. There was no mercy for me, I didn’t deserve to be saved. At least now I’ve earned that glare on your perfect face, I’ve killed for it.

_I wanted to be good, I tried. It hurt too much._

I tell you, my soul cracking open and scabbing over with every word. Nothing I say makes any difference, you don’t apologize. You still look at me like I’m some insect. Stupid boy. I still want you to protect me. Even daddy used to pet my hair (chiding the flinch) and tell me it was for my own good when I wept at his feet.

_I cannot make you understand._

The S on your chest stands for hope, I want to set it on fire. I had hope before you let daddy beat it out of me.

_You’re a liar. You’re a liar. You’re a LIAR._

You, the God among men who wears a mask of good will. You, the alien from a dead planet. You, a doe-eyed reporter. I knows all your faces but what I want to know what is inside you. 

_I want to see God’s true face and spit on it._

I won’t know peace until the world sees you as I do. No one ever believed me, they will now. You look up at me, the boy who brought a God to heel. Damn me if you don’t look even more beautiful from this angle.

_Aw, Superman, you think you have a right to look so wounded? _

My bandaged hand traces your face, I so damaged and you so pristine yet it is God who bends to my will. 

_I ache to touch you. _

But I know the story of Icarus; not too high and not too low. That’s what the boy’s father said. I won’t touch you but when you leave I’ll wield threats like a choke-chain.

_You’ll never fly away from me, not with all that blood soaking your wings._

It doesn’t matter who’s blood, as long as they see it. As long as they believe me. All-good or all-powerful, make your choice. The clock ticks against my palm, make your choice.

_I don’t turn my back to you until I have to._

I want this moment to last forever, I want to drain every drop of innocence from you, earth’s false savior. I won’t know peace until you are weeping at my feet.

_I wanted you to love me. I wanted you to protect me._

Now I want you to watch you burn. It’s quite a thing to have your innocence destroyed, isn’t it? 

_I fly above you, away from you._

The power feels empty in my stomach. This is not what I wanted, it is what was needed. I still want you.

_I love you. It burns and I love, I love, I love you._

I’m a young boy who’s anxious to get my braces out, I’m crying in my pillow because my mom left. I’m all daddy has now, he tells me this as he forces his way into my too-small body. I know by now that crying won’t help but I can’t stop myself, I curse the tears as they fall, I bite my lip until blood trickles down my chin. No one saves me, no one believes me.

_We’ll never touc_h. 

It’s too late for that, if you touched me I’d only flinch. I’ll love you from a safe distance. The way Gods are meant to be loved. 

_I curse my tears as they fall._

I hop out of the helicopter on knees that don’t want to carry me. I wipe my mouth on my sleeve, leaving a red stain that reminds me of you.

_Luthors don’t weep._

But I do weep as I craft your doom. You’ll never see these tears, you’ll never know how much I love you. You’ll only see the violence, never the tenderness simmering beneath the surface.

_I don’t know how to love you. _

I don't know how to love you but with my wrath, it’s all I have left to give. I tell you I love you over and over, you don’t hear me. No one has ever heard me.

_I flinch when you crash through the ceiling._

You didn’t see but still I loathe that you made me flinch. Stop flinching, boy. I chide myself as I mock you. False arrogance bared like a chained dogs’ fangs.

_I don’t know how to lose._

For a moment I admire the way the arrogance melts from your face. Even your fear is beautiful like Jesus on the Cross. The moment dies hard and fast.

_A raised fist. I want to cry_.

My brain scrambles, father and monster molding into one and flying towards me. I flinch violently. Fists. Flinch...no pain? I peek over my protective arms.

_You saved me_ .

If I still had a heart, it’d be breaking. I did everything to prove myself you enemy, I made you hate me. You saved me anyways.

_ Why did you save me? Why now ? _

I don’t get an answer. Not even when you crawl your way out of the ground and back into the sky. You don’t remember me.

_ I’ll come back for you. I can crawl too . _


End file.
